When I started this blog I told myself that I was doing it for me alone, and that I would be completely honest on here. So, even though it's not easy for me to put this out there, here it is...

I'm not feeling so great today. 
I get depressed around the third week of each month. 
Hormones and peri-menopause. Ugh.

I was already feeling bad, but then I checked my messages on Facebook and saw some that my Aunt Hazie had sent me right before she died in November.
Then I realized that today is the 18th anniversary of my grandmother's death. Even though so many years have passed, it still hurts. I miss her so much.
I feel like I'm mourning both of them tonight.

These feelings also lead my sick, anxiety-ridden brain down trails of thought that I don't want to follow. Mostly related to death of loved ones and fear-of-the-future.

I'm fighting, but it's so hard. I'm trying to banish those thoughts and replace them with something, anything else. I'm trying to still do the things I enjoy even though all the joy is sucked out of them at the moment.

Most of the time I can feel almost normal (as long as I take my medicine).

But then it comes around again.

Every month I sink.

Then I pray and cry and scratch and claw my way up again.

I'm not deceived, I know it's through no strength of my own.

Without my medicine and my God I would be constantly in that pit of blackness and despair.

So for now, I'm going to try to sleep and ride it out, knowing that this will pass and a new day will dawn. The darkness will fade and I'll be myself again soon.

Originally posted 4-12-13 on Live Journal